WordPress fucking blows

I am convinced now that WordPress’s comment feature is designed to let spammers, and only spammers, post comments. On the frontend, you readers are informed that “comments are closed.” But I get 20-40 spam comments on the backend every day, held for my approval, from the usual subhumans promoting the usual scams. How do they get in? I have no earthly idea. I want to do one of two things:

1) Clean up the comment system so real people can comment and spammers are blocked.
2) Block all comments.

I’d prefer 1), because while this will never be a high-traffic blog I’d like for my friends to be able to chat on here. But how do I do it? Someone, please help me.

Also, if I ever get the identity of one of the spammers programming these bots who keep attacking my blog, I will run over his legs with my car, then back up and run over his skull, giggling as his eyeballs pop like overfed ticks. If he has kids, I’ll lock them in a garage and pump in some discount Zyklon B. Fair warning!