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It Must Be (a) Summer (Movie Roundup!)
Despite the effort of Hollywood to poison me with bullshit, I see lots of movies. Here’s the stuff I saw this summer.

THE GREAT
Spider-Man 2
For the reasons everyone else has expressed, from Roger Ebert to the Eltingville Science Fiction Fantasy and Horror Club. I mean, holy shit – a smart and ironic comic book blockbuster! When’s the last time you saw that? Not counting X-Men 2.

Napoleon Dynamite
Not “smart and funny,” like most movies of this stripe, but “stupid and funny.” Like some mysterious alien race found the ruins of an American high school movie and tried to reconstruct it.

THE GOOD
Super Size Me and Fahrenheit 9/11
I’m a documentary whore, and enjoyed these despite their premises.

Open Water
Excellent in how its structure stripped away all the horror cliches that usually eliminate tension. Not that great on its other merits.

THE OVERRATED
Shrek 2
Cute, but trite and rote. I mean, a CGI Joan Rivers at the red carpet? Wow, that’s so … 1998.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azerbaijenikanistan
Hey, let’s play the ending of the movie TWICE!

THE UNDERRATED
The Chronicles of Riddick
Mostly because everyone claims it’s the worst movie ever made. Actually, there’s as much awesome imagery and twisty fight scenes as two summer movies. It’s just really dumb.

THE BAD
Anchorman
Just a lot of wasted potential. Did anyone think the “Afternoon Delight” singalong was funny?

THE HORRIBLE
Van Helsing
I don’t know how you can take $170 million and three Universal monsters and make a piece of shit, but, hey Stephen Sommers has skills.

THE STUFF I WANTED TO SEE BUT HAVEN’T YET AND WILL CATCH ON DVD
Garden State
Honestly, I got turned off by the trailers swooning over Zach Braff’s moony face as Natalie Portman learned how to love him. Everyone says it’s good, though.

Before Sunset
Richard Linklater = automatic interest.

Hero
Who doesn’t love paens to Chinese authoritarianism? Not me, fucker!

Alien vs. Predator and Exorcist: The Beginning
I’m not that smart.

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