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The new sandwich
Realizing that I need to drop at least 10 pounds before I start my new job, I sold out to the man and started my own version of the Atkins diet on Sunday. As with all fads, I try to keep my affiliation on the down-low. I buy the bars (surprisingly tasty!) at a low-population GNC and buy the vast quantities of meat early in the morning. But the upside of taking part in a fad is that the American capitalist economy is catering to my every need. Hence the unwich.

Jimmy John’s, the badass sandwich franchise, has started making its subs available to people who don’t eat bread. They do this by wrapping the sandwich ingredients – vinegar, tomatoes, mayo, everything – in huge fucking pieces of lettuce. The result looks like a dog-size pod from “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.” Next time I go I’ll take a picture.

Unsurprisingly, the unwich rules. While I missed a little of the inexplicable flavor that comes when you bite into bread and innards at that same time, the lettice made for a new sensation. It felt like eating a mafioso’s salad – 10% lettuce, 90% salami. As I’ve already testifed to the chain’s badassary, you can guess that this works just fine.

Only complaint – the lettuce does not soak up grease as efficiently as French bread. The half-unwich I stuffed in my bookbag ended up soiling my copy of the April Reason. Otherwise, 9/10.

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